Decisions

I've never been overly fond of choices. If someone asks me where I want to go to dinner I'll usually say I don't care. If I'm asked what I want to do during the day I'll say whatever. It's not that I don't care about those things but that I don't want to make the wrong choice.

So, when I was faced with the life-changing decision of having a second child it took me awhile to figure out what I wanted. Charla was conceived in just 3 months, quick and easy. The second time around hasn't worked out that way. I'm not sure what's going on because I've been too scared to make the leap and talk to my OB about it. Today I finally decided to take the bull by the horns and set up a blood test for next week. I think this decision came about because in just 1 more year Charla will be beginning kindergarten. I want another child but if it isn't going to happen naturally, I'll have to help it along a little. I'm going to keep thinking positive thoughts that 2013 will be the year!

Coming to this decision took me almost 2 years. It didn't help that my husband was laid off for about half of that time. It's really hard to imagine bringing a new life into the world when you're struggling to make ends meet. Throw into the mix the extra cash needed for medical assistance and it's enough to make anyone turn and run! I always knew this decision was hanging over my head though.

Each month my period came I would become depressed and crabby. Nothing made me happy and I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. Even non-hormonal days could do that to me if I got to thinking about the unfairness of it all. I figured fate had dealt me this hand as a way of teaching me a lesson. Perhaps I wasn't patient enough with Charla, I was too selfish, I wasn't loving enough or I just wasn't a good parent/person. Obviously none of those thoughts were true, but wanting something badly enough and consistently being told no has a way of getting to you. Some months I would even consider ending it all so I wouldn't have to deal with the disappointment anymore and the only thing that kept me going was Charla.

Now that I've made the decision to pursue having a second child I feel lighter. A weight has been lifted and I have some hope that the next year will bring my family happy things. I need to start learning how to make decisions that will make me happy. Perhaps the last 2 years weren't the best time to have another child, but I really should have sat down and come up with some sort of plan of what the right time would feel like. Then I wouldn't have had to deal with the continued disappointment, frustration and wishful thinking of the last couple years.